Suspects in for questioning

I've been feeling bleak as of late. Very run down, prone to intense mood swings. The pendulum traced back and forth between a dark depression and blinding rage. It's been creeping up on me, but turning violent as of late...an addict smashing and grabbing in a cathedral. Last night, I felt dead outside, with only tactile sensations working if someone burrowed down past the several inches of psychic concrete that's coating me. I got home from work, took out the garbage, and then crawled into bed until my wife found me.

I've been here before. It's a territory well mapped and traveled. I know the customs, and the regulars acknowledge me with a grim sneer of "Oh, you're back" as they raise their heads from their acidic brews. But here is the Land of Nothing Worth Living For, and it casts long shadows. I've felt futile here. I've felt inferior. But I never felt the rage I have been cresting on.

So, after a delicious dinner by the hand of my wife and a non-threatening evening of a DVD and some re-writing, I felt better, calmer. During some evening typing, I'm tracking the past week, slowing and fast-forwarding, trying to isolate every little thing, pulling them onto small strings leading back to some common denominator. Wait, what was that bit about Jeff Gannon I wrote? I scroll back, ornery. A burst of bile in my chest, and I follow the feeling back further. Closing my eyes, and something's moving fast and light in the shadows. Deep breathing, and I follow the feeling of nascent rage in my head. Slow it down, and see the sequence play out in a slower motion. I can slice events into time fragments, the same way polygraph experts make notes on the paper denoting question and answer. Time is moved around, boxed and scanned. I open my eyes, time regains its speed and elasticity.

I know what happened.

I've been overdosing on news blogs, specifically the lefty opinion power houses Eschaton and Daily Kos. I've been wrapping too much time and energy around them. I'm been absorbing outrage after outrage, comment after comment. I've been juicing out on snark and desolation. I've been interalizing an entire community's sentiments until I was a proxy server for their frustrations, ranging from dark humor to depression. I lost myself in there. I've been substituting my own persona for a multitude, loosing hours writing comments and refreshing, contributing to discussions and singing along with the chorus. I've been hitting it hard for a coupe weeks straight, since the inauguration. I've been an addict. But I got overwhelmed in the witticisms and the anger. Yesterday afternoon, I shattered, and I posted this.

Damn I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the monsters in the White House pushing us into fascism a little bit more everyday and not caring. I'm tried of the press playing along. I'm tired of waking up to a new outrage and all the trolls tap-dancing in their goosestep boots. I'm tired of the lies that's bent into the truth. I'm tired. I just feel so fucking futile. I'm tried of trying to be the noble and upstanding soul who remembers what this country used to be like. I'm tired of stupid triumphing over smarts, tired of the smirk over the smile, tired of greed over goodwill. I can't take it. I don't want these monsters to win but I'm nearly the end of my rope. Nothing repels them. Nothing stops them. They take joy in this destruction and give nothing in return to enrich the soul. And if I hate them I become them. I just ache. Everywhere.

Looking back at it now, I can't really recognize this figure, but I feel sorry for him. He sounds as if he's going to do something rash, and I don't want him to. Maybe he should lay off the opiate of instant online partisan political gratification. Maybe he should stop visiting commentary sites and just focus on the news for a while. I hear the BBC is good, same with Cursor. News is terrible enough as is without a soft corrosion of gallows humor following it. He should concentrate on making sure he sees the good he has in his world. It's the line from Lord of the Rings where Gandalf reminds Frodo that despite all appearances, there are forces of good in this world. Hopefully, he'll find the balance between staying in the know and falling deep into the bottomless hole of e-political opinion. He needs to step away from poli-blogs and breathe. You know, maybe he's not Catholic, but he could co-opt Lent to detox himself, take a vacation from these blogs for 40 days. I'm sure those blogs will get on just fine as he undistracts himself

I hope he gets better. As for me, I have scrumptious Valentine's weekend plans. The wife and I are attending a stage version of "The Woman in Black." What can I say, my wife adores gothic horror. It's the perfect V-day gift. For me, some peaceful weekend writing. Revamping the synopsis and first chapter for contest. Deadline in 11 days.

Have some marvelous new ideas for the rest of the novel. Apparently working yourself into near-asphyxiation on an exercise machine works wonders.