Wednesday, November 30, 2005

NaNoWriMo: Day 30

Word count; 2,089
Words written for the month: 55,143

NaNoWriMo complete and then some. And I have a draft of the novel, crude but the last major scene has been written. I sit back and try to soak it all in. Tomorrow, the writers class means for a party to brag or whimper about this 30-day affair with the keyboard. I shall attend with the glow that I went in unsure but I emerged more triumphant than I could have imagined.

I did it. I did the damn thing. I did these two challenges, and my novel is more of reality in one month than it has been in more than a year. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm what I need to be. So many ideas generated, so much momentum, so many times when I could have quit but I didn't. I am a writer, and this month I proved it.

To everyone who dropped by, thank you for your kind words of support. To my wife, I love you more than you can know. You are a blessing.

The end.

Song of the evening: "Paperback Writer," by the Beatles.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

NaNoWriMo Day 29

Word count: 1,612
Word total: 53,055.

Just a couple more scenes and I'm going to call it a draft. My lovely wife tells me to be proud of finishing (both NaNoWriMo and novel), no matter how raw it is. So, seeing that she's always right, I'll just stop resisting and do it. Also had another horrible panic attack, akin to the ones I used to have up until a couple months ago, where I would mentally flay myself in fits of comparison and other routines of negativity. Not fun for anyone involved, and I forgot how much it drained me. Back up for 1,600 words in this nightly workout. Would like to get up to 2,000 tomorrow, to close out the month with 55k. Hey, I like big, round numbers.

Song of the evening: "Milkdrunk" by Halou. Laying off the Radiohead for a while when I speed write like this. Thom Yorke and the boys can lay you too low if you let them.

Monday, November 28, 2005

NaNoWriMo Day 28

Word count: 1,122
Word total: 51.423.

About two or three scenes left to go. Took it easy tonight after the first Monday back at work. Had some inner demons attacks this morning, starting back late last night. A lot of insecurity issues that I held off for the past four weeks came leaping back, tackling me, a la Hobbes to my defenseless Calvin. Mostly better now, thanks to my lovely wife and a friend of mine in Idaho. Going to relax. I'm sure I'll break 55,000 before Dec. 1. I can live with that.

Broke down and played a bit of Battlefront 2. Die, ewok, die.

Song of the evening: "Buddha of Compassion," by Galactic Agents.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

NaNoWriMo Day 27

Word total: 50,301.

27 days. 21 of me at the keyboard. One head cold. One national holiday. One dentist appointment. 6 bowls of General Tso. A couple dozen Diet Pepsi or C2 cans or bottles. Countless replays of Radiohead's "Hail to the Thief."

I did it. I got to 50,000. I'm not done with the novel, but I beat NaNoWriMo. I can do 50k in 30 days if I want. I can do anything. I am a writer, and that's the bravest thing I've ever written.

I didn't know if I could do it. My wife and I thought I'd meltdown in more places. I lost my way as far as scenes went, but I wrote 50,000 words. They all need work, but I can push myself to believe in a vision to create another 50,000 words. I can make it the rest of the way. I can finish the novel, this beautiful mutant before me.

Right now, I'm strung out with emotion. I rarely accomplish what I set out to do. I never had much ambition. I always put things off, having the darker voices in my head scare me away. Now, I can always say I wrote 50,000 words in under a month. I'll probably flinch at the prose when I read it all in a couple weeks after I get done with the novel, but tonight I feel pride radiating out of my as if my chest was the sun.

There is a messy beauty to this, a type of slippery magic when I write, as if I'm chasing my imagination while running from the inner demons who are a ruthless team of assassins sent to topple to my fragile pillars of hope and wonder. We're all running on some psychic ice, and tonight I had the best traction, finding the balance to move beyond the demons and into where I want to go, the place where I want to be. It is an amazing feeling, as if you could challenge gods and kings and become sunlight at your merest thought.

Tonight, I'm alive.

Song of the evening: "You Only Live Twice," the Bjork remake. Found it online and downloaded it. it's an orphan from a now-nixed project to have modern music stars remake Bond songs. It never came to be, but Bjork's version of the Nancy Sinatra classic remains in perfect carbonite preservation on the Internet.

Tonight, of all nights, the last pair of lines seem to have their own radiant symbolism. I know it's corny, and I know the dream about love, but, as I said, it fits well right about now.

"This dream is for you, so pay the price/Make one dream come true, you only live twice."