306

The year comes to finally meet its expiration date.

For this month, I want to reflect on this year of pain, of almost-yes, of me being in the desert, of me being up and down because I was stupid enough to make my industry my identity. If there's one victory this year, it's that I finally cleaved myself from the industry in which I sometimes work. I am grateful you gave me enough space to see it at last. I think I had a little more of Europe to work through. 

At least the year will be behind us. At least we can visit family soon and have good distractions. After this year, with its losses and heartbreaks, we deserve it.

 305

To my love, know that I’m turning on the heat on to make sure our home is warm when you come home. It’s the darkening of the year, where the sun vanishes in Seattle for months and you get that cutting rain that feels colder than freezing. At least we are sheltered and at peace. Thank you for being kind and supportive as I get close to the finish line again, but then… no. You’ve been supportive, even when I don’t remember as I fret about the future. 

 304

Happy monthly anniversary to my love. The season has changed to that comfy, cool time of year where we dig out our sweaters or thicker clothing like woolly socks to layer ourselves again the growing cold.

Thank you for being understanding as a couple of studios weaseled out of potential contracts. I’m grateful you know I’m hustling and it’s my industry that’s the real culprit. It’s reassuring at a time like this. 

Now, let’s go watch some spooky movies. 

 303

Happy monthly anniversary, my love. This month is up and down, and hopefully our health troubles will pass without issue. I'm grateful we are in a stable place, even though a couple of contract fell through. At some point, and I think it's coming soon, where I'm going to pivot out and not make gaming my life anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm grateful we have some space to decide. 

302

Happy monthly anniversary. Thank you for your kindness during this rough month. I think I'm on the other side, but this has been a nightmare for my industry. Luckily we are stable and not in danger. We aren't panicking. After this summer it's a relief to just feel stable. I think we take our cues from one another and seeing you not panicking is reassuring. We will be okay, even if my industry is on fire. 

 301

A happy monthly anniversary to us.  This year has been hard, uneven. I'm grateful you are stable and patient. It's a quiet time now, but at least there's no major drama. A calm moment in the heat of summer and being able to breathe. Still, I feel like I could do more. You deserve more, even if you don't say so. Even if you protest. I just don't want to be someone who never contributes, even though you never ever have said that was me. 

I still think about Europe. I wish it would have been better, but you are right. There was a lot more happening that would have still happened if I was perfect.

 300

Today, now, 25 years. This is us. At this point, we were having dinner with family and friends who came from thousands of miles away to see us say the words as we stood before them. It almost felt like a formality. We were already in that space where we were married. This was just a day with words and cake. 

I know I've written this here before but it does not feel like 25 years. But then it doesn't feel like yesterday. I know time has passed. We moved, traveled, said hello and goodbye to some of our cats through the years. We have endured pain and heartache. We have celebrated. You have been there and, in typical fashion, all I think about are the moments I would hurt you. I know there's more. I know we have had good times. I just wish they were all there, that I was stronger and stopped chasing angry ghosts. 

We have outlived what has come and then gone. You trust me. You love me. I hope that will always be so. 

My love, happy 25 years. I never thought this was possible.

299

To my love, happy monthly anniversary, the last before our golden one. The last before we escape for ourselves. Now, we are escaping by being summoned for bad news. I hope this trip is healing for you. I hope you will find solace. Next month, it will be better. I promise.

 298

To my love, happy monthly anniversary. A hard month with my wight getting to me again, hollowing me out until everything feels distant and I'm at the end of a long corridor away from life and love. I return from that swamp gasping and weary. I don't see the miracle of being alive, and I'm sorry when I go away that far. I'm here now. I'm sleeping better. I'm eating better. I feel how everyone I think feels all the time, whatever we call normal. I'm grateful for your patience because I know this can be trying. I feel stronger now, and I believe things are picking up.

 297

Happy monthly anniversary, my love. Finally we are back on our feet, just in time for spring to arrive and for the cherry blossoms to light up the streets and your office's quad. It's been almost a year since we left Europe for here and in that span of time, I suffered, but you were there to listen and be kind. Thank you. I know I can be a lot, and I know you aren't there to take away all the problems. I know I can be dismissive when you help. It's only because I have had a crisis of confidence and didn't believe I was worth anything good. Now that I'm working, being creative, and in the sun, I can feel human again. And today is the fourth anniversary of enduring the worst point in my professional career. Four years later, the sting has faded. I am of the other side, of that time and of last year. I can breathe again.

 296

Just about out of the wilderness. A call next Wednesday will likely lead to another role at long last. I've come so close on a number of occasions. Thank you for being patient. This past year of struggling has been an education for me, almost breaking me. I think I've been focusing too much on one thing, chasing a goal that really I set about on a lark. Work is not life. There's more out there; I'm just been trapped in my own head for too long. Again, thank you, my love. Every 19th I'm grateful all over again. 

 295

I don't have much to write this time. I'm sorry I'm not better. I'm sorry I can't be the one who gets the job. I'm sorry I'm not happier. Or healthier. Sometimes I really think you deserve to be with someone who has it more together, who isn't lost in his own head, who isn't always his worst enemy. 

I love you. I'm sorry. I wish I was better. I always feel one step behind what I should be. I don't know how you can be so patient with me.