Wii are not amused.

Seriously, Nintendo. What the hell is wrong with you? You had a winner with "Revolution" as the name of your next console. It does revolutionary things, namely in the controller with its gyroscope sensor and ability to track itself in three-dimensional space. Hell, the Madden game EA announced earlier today was damn revolutionary, what with the ability to use the controller as a proxy football. Sports games are a turn-off for me, but if I could pretend I'm the quarterback with moving around the living room floor and simulating a 50-yard bomb, I'm there on release day.

And then there's the whole Virtual Console aspect, where gamers can purchase from a 20-year catalog of Nintendo games, titles that revived an near-dead industry in the 80s. Youngin's will get the chance to play classics from the 8-bit era all the way up to today. Imagine a games version of Apple's Music Store and you get the idea. Feel like playing an old Zelda title? Go online, drop a couple bucks and it'll be downloaded to you. No more plugging in old consoles for those classic titles. It's all under one sleek, sexy, Applerotic hood. Add to this one more super secret feature that N was going to reveal at the upcoming E3 event in Los Angeles, and Nintendo, you mad-crazy darling, you looked ready to kick serious butt in the next-gen console war, showing the graphic addicts at Sony and Microsoft how gaming should be done. Again.

But no. That was too easy. That was too simple. Instead, you decide that Revolution wasn't expressive enough, didn't fit the bill. So, you came up with..

Wii.

Wii? As in We?

That's not a name, it's what you have left in your Scrabble rack after a boring turn. It's not even a word. It's the crude approximation of a word that already exists. It's not unique enough to be a Google or an iPod. It's not evocative enough to be a Lush or a Black Phoenix or even a Toys in Babeland. It's not fun to say like Yahoo or Mini Cooper. And it's not exotic like Revolution. Instead of giving their next console a number, like an awful, cookie-cutter Hollywood sequel, Nintendo's Revolution would be swirling, exciting event where gamers could plunk their money down and feel like "Yeah, this is different. This is the future."

It's so bad that I almost feel bad for Nintendo's PR team at this moment. Their jobs can't be easy ones, what with gaming message boards in an uproar over this. Maybe they knew that this was a terrible name, and so with a couple days head start they went to their meme workshops and built the best face possible.

Consider Pierre Kaplan, Vice President of Marketing and Corporate Affairs for Nintendo of America. In an interview today with CNN Money, she opts for a "learning curve" type of defense.

"I think people have to look back and let it settle in," she said. "I'm sure people felt the same way when Google was named – or the iPod. Napster. Yahoo. There's a whole host of unusual names that have become a part of everyday conversation and I think they're viewed now as unique."

Um, lady, that's not the point. You had a perfect name to start with. You talked about Revolution as "Revolution" for a year before Wii. We liked Revolution a lot because it fit. It'd be like Lucas going "you know Star Wars doesn't convey the film. I'll name it Wisdom Celestial Adventure. Yeah, that'll work." No, it'd be a disaster, and if you have go about and explain what "Wii" means then it's not a great name. iPod works because its unexplainable. Google? It just is. It's a curiosity, but it draws people in. Plus, Google sounds like giggle. It's fun to say. It makes you smile, but everyone knows it, uses it, loves it. Wii? That sounds like what you leave in the urinal.

It's a terrible name, and I hope that some force here in the states gets a petition together to have Nintendo of America change the American version of the product. It's not uncommon for products to have difference names in different markets around the world. Here, it makes sense. Bring back Revolution, Nintendo, or you might find yourself on the business end of one.