298

To my love, happy monthly anniversary. A hard month with my wight getting to me again, hollowing me out until everything feels distant and I'm at the end of a long corridor away from life and love. I return from that swamp gasping and weary. I don't see the miracle of being alive, and I'm sorry when I go away that far. I'm here now. I'm sleeping better. I'm eating better. I feel how everyone I think feels all the time, whatever we call normal. I'm grateful for your patience because I know this can be trying. I feel stronger now, and I believe things are picking up.

 297

Happy monthly anniversary, my love. Finally we are back on our feet, just in time for spring to arrive and for the cherry blossoms to light up the streets and your office's quad. It's been almost a year since we left Europe for here and in that span of time, I suffered, but you were there to listen and be kind. Thank you. I know I can be a lot, and I know you aren't there to take away all the problems. I know I can be dismissive when you help. It's only because I have had a crisis of confidence and didn't believe I was worth anything good. Now that I'm working, being creative, and in the sun, I can feel human again. And today is the fourth anniversary of enduring the worst point in my professional career. Four years later, the sting has faded. I am of the other side, of that time and of last year. I can breathe again.

 296

Just about out of the wilderness. A call next Wednesday will likely lead to another role at long last. I've come so close on a number of occasions. Thank you for being patient. This past year of struggling has been an education for me, almost breaking me. I think I've been focusing too much on one thing, chasing a goal that really I set about on a lark. Work is not life. There's more out there; I'm just been trapped in my own head for too long. Again, thank you, my love. Every 19th I'm grateful all over again. 

 295

I don't have much to write this time. I'm sorry I'm not better. I'm sorry I can't be the one who gets the job. I'm sorry I'm not happier. Or healthier. Sometimes I really think you deserve to be with someone who has it more together, who isn't lost in his own head, who isn't always his worst enemy. 

I love you. I'm sorry. I wish I was better. I always feel one step behind what I should be. I don't know how you can be so patient with me. 

 294

To my love. Happy monthly anniversary. So much happening while time feels like it is speeding up to Christmas and the end of the year. Soon, 2023 will be gone and not a second too soon. We got out of Germany, returned home and started our lives again here. You settled into your job and are doing spectacularly at it. I'm still mired in the long, drawn-out chase of trying to find a game narrative job at a time where thousands are getting laid off and studios are shuttering. But you've been patient with me and for that I'm grateful. It's the best Christmas gift I could want, even if I didn't know I needed it all along.